A Pleasant Conversation with a Mature Poly Interlocutor


The following is an excerpted and edited version of a very pleasant correspondence that I had with a mature Jewish person who has discovered Polyamory recently. It is reposted, anonymously, with permission.


Interlocutor: Shalom Doreen,


Me: Shalom Aleikhem (Peace be upon you)!


Interlocutor: What a pleasure to hear from you!


Me: Nice to "meet" you.


Interlocutor: I sort of stumbled across some of your writings on Kosher Polyamory, Hebrew and numbers etc


Me: Would you be kind enough to try to remember how you encountered them?  I'd really like to know how people come across my work.  Were you searching for something particular when you found this group?


Interlocutor: I believe that if men were allowed to have more than one wife, what would have prevented women (in a fare and balance society) to demand to have more than one husband? Polyamory could have been only a natural evolution of that believe.


Me: I believe it will be a natural part of evolution. We are still evolving. Evolution has not concluded. We are still in the process of it. I don't think that unions should be forever and a day and I do not think that polyamorous unions should mimic marriage, which has not proven itself to be a very happy state of affairs for so many. I like the Celtic idea of handfasting, where a couple joined hands for a year and a day. They could renew the union if they wished, or not. The children were not considered children of "broken homes" if they did not renew their vows. Handfasting was done for a couple, but there is no reason why it can't be done for a triad or a quad or more or for one person who wants to be handfasted to more than one person concomitantly. My father is Irish, so I guess I resonate with the Celtic tradition.


Interlocutor: I would be happy to brainstorm with you on starting a poly community in Israel. However I must warn you I am not sure I would know how start one here (town of residence was supplied by Interlocutor). We find it difficult to meet like minded people who are also poly. It would be great to find like-minded people who are poly and Jewish. What a treat that would be!

Me: Even in (where you live) meeting polies is hard?

I would definitely prefer a poly community of spiritually grounded people. Polyamory is a very advanced social form and as such easily degenerates into chaos in the wrong hands.


Interlocutor: I went to some of these meetings and needless to say I didn't meet anyone.  It maybe it's me (I tend to be on the shy side in new situations) but, I found most of the people there to be for the most part the "drop out" of society and much younger than I. 


Me: The observation you make above is very important.


One of my major concerns is that Polyamory has been expropriated by people making some sort of "fashion" statement or otherwise acting out.


My vision is that it will not be a subculture, but rather the norm of anarchic society practiced by just plain folks.


Nice, normal people like you can help. 


Please, I reiterate, consider writing on message boards for mature people. It is important that people know that there are people like you who are in the Polyamorous state of mind.


I was hoping to form a poly cooperative of some kind.


If you haven't seen it, please read: http://www.geocities.com/dordot2001/KibbutzPolyamoryAlmostHEB.htm

or the English version, whichever you prefer:


I am of the opinion that polyamory cannot take on healthy forms in capitalistic, greedy societies. It needs to be part of a comprehensive, humanistic societal structure. Otherwise, it easily degenerates into something cheap, ugly, and merely for one's own gross gratification.

Thank you for sharing something about who you are with me. Col HaCavod (more power) to you! When I posted about polyamory on the ICQ message board for mature people, people laughed at me and said: "Yeah, sure, people at that age worrying about polyamory." But I knew that there is no reason why not. Polyamory is principally about love. By the time one is mature he or she should be in possession of a great capacity for love. Besides which, many people remain sexually active well into their 80s. Maturity is a great time to become poly.

This is the link to one of the ICQ message boards that I posted "Kosher Polyamory Redux" on:


as you see, they weren't tremendously receptive. I think their reaction is pretty typical.


I hope you'll help me toward those goals.

With blessings,


DoreenEllen Bell-Dotan, Tzfat, Israel